Tag Archives: disordered ramblings

Upside Down Inside Out

Ramadan has got me turned upside down and inside out. My routine has been shot to hell. I haven’t been sleeping enough which has translated into me being groggy/cranky most of the time. Forget about being productive. It’s impossible in these circumstances.

I’m usually on top of my game at work and know the status of every project I’m working on, but for the past three weeks I have been oblivious to what’s on my plate. I don’t know what’s coming in and what’s going out on my desk anymore. For those reasons, I’m glad Eid is coming up this Friday. I will miss five-hour work days but at least I’ll have my sanity back (who am I kidding, I lost that years ago!).

Ramadan started on a sad and tragic note the first week due to the suicide bombing. Many of my friends were scared to go out the first few days after the tragedy, but then all they wanted to do was meet up and unite. It was nice to have that sense of kinship and community during a low time. I’ve been pretty active socially this Ramadan. Many people cancelled their ghabgat (Ramadan gatherings) but closer friends decided to meet up. I think I’ve seen more friends over the past two weeks than I have during the past six months.

I’ve done a lot of introspection during this month and I came to the conclusion that I need to make changes to my life. I’m going to take the steps to live a healthier lifestyle (AKA diet&workout) and be more social and outgoing (AKA date). I’ve also decided there are certain people in my circle that I have to phase out of my life. It’s not that they’re bad people, it’s just that most of their energy is negative. And I’m done with negativity. I can’t anymore. I need positive people who are out there doing interesting things. If all you’re doing with your life is complaining, I’m sorry but I can’t be around you. GYST (Get your shit together) and then we’ll talk.

Let’s Talk

What’s your first reaction to hearing the words, “Let’s Talk“?

Keep in mind it’s not a “We Need to Talk“.

It’s a gentler, softer version without a sense of urgency.

It’s a thermometer to measure if we’re approaching a dangerous level or cooling off. 

I use my “Let’s Talk” to work on friendships, to take stock of where we stand and how we can improve. I try to utter these words as infrequently as possible. Despite what many people think I shy from confrontation. Most of the time, I try to avoid these conversations. The only time I’m willing to confront is when I’m angry and lose control over my tongue or when I fear that I’m going to lose a friendship and know I’ll have to speak up before resentment takes over and ruins that friendship for me.

Lately I’ve had a friend who keeps pushing my buttons. It’s not entirely her fault, except it is. That sentence sums up how I’ve been feeling about the situation. I feel bad, then I get annoyed and believe she’s doing it on purpose.

She’s managed to make me feel uncomfortable when I’ve shared things with her because her replies can pretty much be summed up as, “How come you’re so lucky?” There is a barely concealed jealousy under her words that makes me supremely uncomfortable. I am not used to having someone express jealousy so starkly. And I don’t understand the basis for her jealousy when she is blessed with so much.

“She’s unhappy.” My friends say as if that should make me feel better. It doesn’t.

I don’t believe that is an excuse. And I don’t know how to deal with the situation. I can’t tell her “You act like you’re jealous of me”. For one thing, it sounds so egotistical. The other thing is I don’t know how I would continue the conversation and what I would expect to gain from it. Am I going to point out every single incident where she’s made me uncomfortable with her remarks? Will she censor her remarks after our talk? Will she increase their frequency? Will there be a sarcastic edge to her comments? So far she doesn’t realize she’s being transparent. Others see it too and remain quiet. She does it to them. They let her make her little comments and leave her out of the loop as much as possible, which isn’t that much since she’s engrained in our lives.

For the past month I keep wondering if it’s time for me to send her a message and just say, “Let’s Talk” and hope it works out for the best. I’m not sure how long I can continue to bite my tongue.