Category Archives: Disordered Ramblings

So We Talked…

Posted on July 14, 2015 | Leave a comment

Do you remember the friend I mentioned from my Let’s Talk post?

Well, we talked…

Let me just start off with saying, I didn’t plan to talk to her. It happened organically. And in a nutshell, it was pointless. I’d go as far to say as it was a waste of time, but it wasn’t really. It helped me come to terms with the fact that this was who she was and nothing was going to change.

Maha and I were at a friend’s place (Noor). Maha came over and sat down next to me. She started asking me about how I was doing and what I had been up to. I shared some news about the latests projects I had been involved in and she gave me some backhanded compliments. I called her out on them. I wasn’t confrontational. I just asked her in a calm voice why she said her statements in that way. I don’t think saying “I didn’t know you were smart” and “I didn’t realize you had so many friends” are always meant maliciously, but Maha’s tone and when she inserts comments like these just give off a negative vibe. From her expression, it was clear that she was taken aback. She had gotten so used to making comments like that they didn’t even register as shade to her anymore. Or maybe they did but no one called her out on them and held her accountable for her words.

I explained why her comments bothered me. Maha shrugged them off. From her responses I could see why she didn’t see why I was offended by them. It didn’t register on any scale. To her, this was a normal conversation and saying those things to me was fine. I didn’t escalate the matter. I just needed confirmation that this was the type of person she was. She may not be trying to undercut me but her comments come with such negative energy that I can’t be bothered to deal with it anymore. I’d rather I have as little to do with her as possible.

If you want to be my friend, you need to be supportive. You should want me to succeed. My success doesn’t take anything away from you. Maha may think competing with a friend is normal but I value support, and she just doesn’t give it to me. This is important to me because I’m the type of person that will always cheer a friend on. I will always wish the best for them. I always want them to shine. Having them shine doesn’t dim my light. And so, I’m done with Maha and the other Mahas in my life. Moving forward, I want people who care around me and who push me to be my best instead of trying to tear me down and undercut me.

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Posted in Kuwait, Musings

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Upside Down Inside Out

Posted on July 13, 2015 | Leave a comment

Ramadan has got me turned upside down and inside out. My routine has been shot to hell. I haven’t been sleeping enough which has translated into me being groggy/cranky most of the time. Forget about being productive. It’s impossible in these circumstances.

I’m usually on top of my game at work and know the status of every project I’m working on, but for the past three weeks I have been oblivious to what’s on my plate. I don’t know what’s coming in and what’s going out on my desk anymore. For those reasons, I’m glad Eid is coming up this Friday. I will miss five-hour work days but at least I’ll have my sanity back (who am I kidding, I lost that years ago!).

Ramadan started on a sad and tragic note the first week due to the suicide bombing. Many of my friends were scared to go out the first few days after the tragedy, but then all they wanted to do was meet up and unite. It was nice to have that sense of kinship and community during a low time. I’ve been pretty active socially this Ramadan. Many people cancelled their ghabgat (Ramadan gatherings) but closer friends decided to meet up. I think I’ve seen more friends over the past two weeks than I have during the past six months.

I’ve done a lot of introspection during this month and I came to the conclusion that I need to make changes to my life. I’m going to take the steps to live a healthier lifestyle (AKA diet&workout) and be more social and outgoing (AKA date). I’ve also decided there are certain people in my circle that I have to phase out of my life. It’s not that they’re bad people, it’s just that most of their energy is negative. And I’m done with negativity. I can’t anymore. I need positive people who are out there doing interesting things. If all you’re doing with your life is complaining, I’m sorry but I can’t be around you. GYST (Get your shit together) and then we’ll talk.

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Posted in Disordered Ramblings, Kuwait, Musings

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Relationship Status: Single

Posted on July 4, 2015 | Leave a comment

It hit me yesterday, striking me out of the blue.

The desire to be in a relationship. The wish to have attended the event with someone by my side.

I’ve resisted it for a long time, because I prefer being single than being with the wrong person but yesterday I caught myself looking at couples wistfully. And it took me aback. Why? Because I was never that girl who wanted to be in a relationship. I always cherished my freedom. I loved it. I enjoyed it to the fullest. I preferred being by myself than wasting time with the wrong person. I saw how many of my friends and acquaintances had shackled themselves to the wrong person. And truth be told, I always felt a little smug that I hadn’t fallen into that trap and made the same mistake they had.

But yesterday was different.

I wanted to be part of an “us”. I wanted to show up with a special someone by my side. I wanted to laugh at jokes the host and hostess told and catch his eye sharing our own secret smile.

It caught me completely by surprise.

It looks like I’ll have to do something about it.

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Posted in Disordered Ramblings, Musings, Personal

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Let’s Talk

Posted on June 29, 2015 | 1 comment

What’s your first reaction to hearing the words, “Let’s Talk“?

Keep in mind it’s not a “We Need to Talk“.

It’s a gentler, softer version without a sense of urgency.

It’s a thermometer to measure if we’re approaching a dangerous level or cooling off. 

I use my “Let’s Talk” to work on friendships, to take stock of where we stand and how we can improve. I try to utter these words as infrequently as possible. Despite what many people think I shy from confrontation. Most of the time, I try to avoid these conversations. The only time I’m willing to confront is when I’m angry and lose control over my tongue or when I fear that I’m going to lose a friendship and know I’ll have to speak up before resentment takes over and ruins that friendship for me.

Lately I’ve had a friend who keeps pushing my buttons. It’s not entirely her fault, except it is. That sentence sums up how I’ve been feeling about the situation. I feel bad, then I get annoyed and believe she’s doing it on purpose.

She’s managed to make me feel uncomfortable when I’ve shared things with her because her replies can pretty much be summed up as, “How come you’re so lucky?” There is a barely concealed jealousy under her words that makes me supremely uncomfortable. I am not used to having someone express jealousy so starkly. And I don’t understand the basis for her jealousy when she is blessed with so much.

“She’s unhappy.” My friends say as if that should make me feel better. It doesn’t.

I don’t believe that is an excuse. And I don’t know how to deal with the situation. I can’t tell her “You act like you’re jealous of me”. For one thing, it sounds so egotistical. The other thing is I don’t know how I would continue the conversation and what I would expect to gain from it. Am I going to point out every single incident where she’s made me uncomfortable with her remarks? Will she censor her remarks after our talk? Will she increase their frequency? Will there be a sarcastic edge to her comments? So far she doesn’t realize she’s being transparent. Others see it too and remain quiet. She does it to them. They let her make her little comments and leave her out of the loop as much as possible, which isn’t that much since she’s engrained in our lives.

For the past month I keep wondering if it’s time for me to send her a message and just say, “Let’s Talk” and hope it works out for the best. I’m not sure how long I can continue to bite my tongue.

 

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